Electronic Birth Contol

My petite pregger pal is clearly trying to keep me from blithely wandering into motherhood. This one scared the Uterus out of me. She sent this email to a select group of her friends. Consider it "electronic birth control."

Hi girls, So I am going to be one of those women that tells it to my dearest friends straight up. This way you are in for NO surprises when this happens. Sorry this is early in the morning, so don’t read on an empty stomach.When I envision a smiling baby it does help to cheer me up..i get there by trying to chat OM. .it actually works for about 3 mins, and then I have to pee..which takes about 10mins to do (by the time I heave my body up). It’s bad enough that the baby is SO on top of my bladder that I have to pee frequently, but I got diagnosed with another bladder infection. So, during the 3 sec intervals of my life when I’m actually NOT peeing, I am now spending it feeling like I have to pee, along with all the fun burning as well. Add 2 more horse pills to my daily 7 pills, and I’m at a total of 9 pills..half of which you take with food, the other half you take 2hours after food. Huh? It’s all very confusing and I’m convinced I’m going to have a jello baby. My morning always starts off with a bloody nose, and last night ended with me on the floor, waiting for indigestion to pass. Indigestion! Me! Ms Whole grain, green veggie, 3 pieces of fruit a day! I avg about 3-4 hours of sleep, and I get sooooooo happy when it happens. Usually the sciatica, groin, contractions, or pee wakes me up. [my hubby] has given up completing his repeated question “ Honey, are you okay?”…now he just shortens it when he hears me move, “Hon?” then…Snore.
And here’s the bestest part…at week 34 (where I am)…they encourage you start massaging your perineum. Perineum you say? Oh, the fun area right at the end of your vagina and btwn your anus..the area that RIPS or TEARS when you are having a kid shoot out of you. Massaging is a misnomer. You are supposed to lay 2 fingers down on the ring of the perineum and push back and forth so it stretches. imagine a U shape and your fingers are at the round part of the U and you are to increase the pressure there for a couple of minutes, daily, for the following weeks till labor. This is all to avoid the dreaded episiotomy…you know, when the dr has to sew you up because you ripped at that special part. The theory is (as many midwives and drs attest) that a bit of pain each day will help keep the episiotomy at bay. ...To further humiliate yourself, you must remember that you can not see past your belly at this point, so never mind finding your perineum on your own. This is when I truly do envy long armed women.Anyway, because of my bladder infection and (let’s not forgetting contracting uterus), I am not to do the perineum massage yet. Basically nothing but toilet paper is allowed near my parts at this delicate time. I’ve been getting contractions since week 29..but the ones this week have been really strong. The right side of my belly becomes completely raised, totally lopsided in sight and feel. It’s really trippy..and the insides tighten up, exactly like a menstrual cramp but you can SEE it as well as feel it. Some contractions have lasted about 3-4 mins. Dr says it’s ok as long as I don’t get 5 qty in an hour.. Keep in mind, all the above is completely individual to me.. I mean, I had 2 great trimesters, and some women have 180 days of vomiting..so it’s all about perspective. And yes, I’ve had to pee for real and for fake, like 18 times while writing this. I know I got myself into this and I’m totally happy about the baby..I don’t want the baby to come out early..but I so want the pregnancy to end. Please remember to guilt the baby for me..please!